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And even that wasn’t entirely true because what I really wanted was for him to undress me. I’d fantasized that one day it would happen and I would be normal.īut now here was Dekker and I had to face the reality: that he was someone I could happily take my clothes off for. I’d longed for a woman I could love enough that we would take our clothes off and I’d make myself a complete person. I couldn’t have it and I shouldn’t want it. Being gay would make me less than a real man, and I fought it. When I dreamed when, in the privacy of my bed I imagined lying in someone’s arms the someone was not female. I’d had my chances with women but they weren’t what I wanted. A virgin with women and a virgin with men.
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I was twenty-one years old, a graduate, holding down my first job and living in my first apartment. Went on letting it happen when his tongue came into my mouth and his knee pushed between my legs. Any further resistance would have been pointless, resulting only in getting me hurt more than I was going to be in any case. Not a nasty laugh, but enough to let me know who was in charge. I said, ‘Please don’t do this,’ and tried to push past him but I was eight inches shorter than Dekker and eighty pounds lighter and I went nowhere. He laughed and said, ‘It isn’t what you’d like that counts.’ Then he kissed me again. I didn’t resist, except to say, ‘I’d like you to go. Closer still and now the hand was holding my chin, tilting my face upwards so that he could kiss me on the lips. He moved closer and put his hand on my cheek. I wondered afterwards: just how obvious had it been? And did everyone know? When Dekker stood in front of me and simply refused to move his six foot four, two hundred pound body out of my way, was he guessing? Or taking a chance, not really caring what I was and what I wanted, gambling that I wouldn’t go crying to the police afterwards? Whatever the reason, he was in my kitchen and in my way, wearing a smile that said “What you want doesn’t really matter.